Monday, December 7, 2009

Weight of the world

        Married. Tattooed. Pregnant. Identity crisis all over again. I love being married, I love my tattoos, I love being pregnant. Surely, I love my life? Who I have become? Yet I feel the weight of the world is upon me. As our family grows with a baby growing inside me I too am growing, emotionally, in my soul and physically. Tipping the scales at 200lbs I still look beautiful pregnant, glowing, maternal. I cannot stop looking at myself, grown, a true women at her instinctive best. Yet I have grown envious of my own reflection, in just a few months the beauty I see will no longer belong to me. My reflection will only be a shell of the maternal beauty that it is.
         While love for my new daughter will overflow from my heart I know I will fall short of  having enough love for my new self. I wish I could simply say damage done, I'm a mom- all I've ever wanted. If I spoke those words I'd be a liar. A liar is not who I am. I still yearn for my svelte, toned, sexy body. My cotton candy fantasy realized. My soul mate has given me the gift to be a mommy with tattoos and a svelte, toned, sexy body. The only deterrent is weakness upon myself. I see this now.
          This is where the epilogue to my journey begins. On an uphill, 7 months into pregnancy, mentally and physically preparing myself for the inevitable 'ugly' I will be facing. Far from fearless, this time I have an upper hand, building my strength for this fight and knowing my only weakness is my own.

1 comment:

  1. I see no reason that you cant just be yourself. A women is a beautiful thing to behold, even after pregnancy. I've seen woemn go from obese to pregnant and obese to fine as fit ladies. Your right its all ab your mentality.